We're having a boy! And other terrifying thoughts I have lately

Since I'm not one of those modest "Oh, let's protect our privacy" Facebook users, most of our friends and family know by now that M and I are expecting a baby in June, and that it's a boy(!) Which is exciting! But also, for me, terrifying (for M, it's a secret sigh of relief, plus a good excuse to start preordering Legos on Amazon Prime). We have yet to do practical things, like set up a nursery, or take birthing/ parenting classes. Most of my current preparation comprises reading all the books that my sisters-in-law on both sides have given me, plus every parenting blog that exists, before letting my mind spin into a vortex of anxiety-filled thoughts. I see it as a type of emotional rehearsal, to let my mind wander through different parenting scenarios.

Here are the kinds of thoughts that float through my mind as a preggo, because I'm horrifying:

-Little girls play quietly in the corner with dolls and crayons. Boys do things like throw rocks in the air and try to catch them with their face. M and I have no training on how to prevent this from happening.

-At least on the upside, I don't have to worry about our firstborn posting a YouTube video of himself, with the title "Am I ugly?", as I hear that is one of the things insecure teenage girls have learned to do with the internet. Thanks, CNN, for the updates.

-I really hope our kid isn't bullied. If he is, we're enrolling him in Krav Maga classes. And then we're going to encourage him to join a (very geeky, academic) gang that helps protect other victims through hacking code and reverse social -media bullying. Or something.

-I really hope our kid isn't a bully. If he is, he's going to be spending his Saturdays putting together care packages for underprivileged families and learning real life lessons of compassion. Until he's eighteen.

-How long can I dress my kid like one of those hipster babies on Pinterest before he cuts me off from any decision-making for his wardrobe?

-I hope our son doesn't inherit my driving genes. (Asian + female = good luck everyone!)

-If our baby looks way more like M than like me, everyone is going to think I'm the nanny. I better get the Encinitas Mom Uniform -- a chevron-patterned maxi dress and/ or extra expensive Lululemon yoga pants, so they know that I'm the rightful owner of this kid.

-I hope our son doesn't inherit my temperament of spoiled bratty-ness and general ingratitude. Note to self: apologize to Mom and Dad for the last thirty-plus years.

-I hope that colleges and universities don't look the same 18 years from now. I hope we're enrolling our kids in think tanks and incubators, and that they do summer code camps and tech apprenticeships by the time they're young adults. I don't want my kids to graduate from college like me -the winning combination of a moron with no practical skills, but a completely intact sense of entitlement.

-No more watching birthing videos before dinner.

So, those are my thoughts lately. I think focusing on the abstract future helps keep me from more real, sobering, and emotionally-crippling thoughts about the things that can go wrong during pregnancy and birth. M and I spend a lot of time in prayer lately for our friends' and families' babies as well as for the health and well-being of our own. We've discussed parenting styles, and schedules, and the state of fatigue we'll probably be in. And we know we'll never feel prepared, but by the time this baby is born, I'll at least have THOUGHT of everything. Wish us luck!

P.S. I am now double this size.