Date Night with a Developer

M has a very concise and clear list of things that make him happy: family and friends, food, surfing, games, solving problems, and being right. The End.

The things that make me happy are dependent on variables that change with other variables (for example, I paddled out with M the other day, and had a lot of fun despite being eaten by the waves. Will I do it again anytime soon? Probably not). So, for the sake of not spending hours in discussion, our date nights are usually centered on things that M has thought up, and hopefully my mood cooperates.

For the record, M is really good at taking me out on dates. He finds good restaurants, he holds the car door open, he grabs the check, he makes conversation by telling me about all the interesting things that happened during his day, he asks about my day, and then he is somehow both supportive and snarky (supportively snarky?) in his commentary. He is also touchingly offended when I forget about Date Night.

A recent restaurant pick. My husband looks kind of creepy.

But if we're all being honest, I'm asking a lot for you to be happy about how fantastic another couple's dates are. So below, I give you examples of our other date nights that might make you privately glad that you are not a part of this relationship:

One day, M came home with a raging headache, but this didn't stop him from letting me read aloud Slate Magazine's fictional war of attrition between Google and Apple. Despite being curled up in pain next to me, he still laughed at Google's Operation Ghostfruit to make Apple disappear from search results and the Apple Army made up of loyalists wearing bright t-shirts in primary colors. I got to share something I thought was entertaining for both of us, and he got to lay down and not have to talk.

I don't know who is responsible for this, but M heard about a cyberpunk-themed asymmetrical two-player card game called Netrunner and bought it immediately on Amazon. And then he made me play it. One player is the Corporation and the other is the Hacker. The Corporation protects its servers with "ice" and tries to advance its agendas. The Hacker tries to break the ice and steal the Corporation's agendas or deplete the Corporation's resources. M usually wins this game because it is hard for me to think while I'm also sulking. The one time I've won, I had to "kill" the Hacker by snaring him with a faux agenda, and I find killing my husband to be an unpleasant task. It's ok around this point to feel sorry for me.

Here we are, learning about the latest start-up, Vinely, which held a wine tasting at Mogl's offices. M isn't normally much interested in wine tastings, but this one was kind of geeky. They have you rate each wine according to sweetness, texture, etc. then figure out your wine "personality" based on an algorithm and assign you a wine of the month they think you'd like, based on your personality (not surprisingly, my preferred wine is something like "Welch's Grape Juice."). M also loves Mogl's concept and talking to other developers, and I got to see my other friends from the tech/ recruiting community, so the night worked out pretty well for both of us.

What's next on the table for us? Thanks to our friend Deron, who spent half an hour selling the merits of "Sharknado" to us ("You guys, at first the movie dips way below equilibrium satisfaction, and you want to die inside, and then it takes you through a roller coaster of emotions, but then the end comes and you're like 'Whatttt!!' and it is totally worth it. Trust me."), it might be this. Let me know if you want to join us, but I won't be offended, or surprised, if you don't.

A long overdue tribute

I think it should be pretty clear by now that I have no business writing a blog on marriage, seeing as I actually have no idea what I'm talking about. To be honest, I started out writing this thing as a public way to show developers that I was married to one of them and they could therefore take their suspicion level toward me, a technical recruiter, down a notch. The blog touches occasionally on my recruiting world in technology, but mostly, like me, is off-topic and rambling. Maybe in ten years, it will be a way for me to look back and be astounded at how little I knew about marriage at the time.

ANYWAY, to get to the point: M and I owe any real past and future success of our relationship to our parents. I am not just talking about being a bratty Asian kid--which I am--with parents who offer endless and arguably enabling support. I am talking about both M and I having examples, in our parents, of people who have chosen to stay happily married through decades, through living abroad, through the ups and downs of raising a family. We are talking about embarking on life together with no internet, no Pinterest for recipes, no cellphones at the time, no LinkedIn for job hunting and professional networking, no Facebook and Instagram for vague but continuous upkeep of friendships, no automated bill payments with online accounts, no WebMD to look up medical issues. Hardships, people.

My parents didn't even know English that well when they courted in Taiwan and made their way shortly thereafter to America. Somehow they have managed to both work full-time, raise three children, put us through college, and have a thriving and loving relationship with all their grandchildren. The fact that my mother was a Chinese Literature major and managed to become a computer engineer, then work on the Superconducting Super Collider in Texas before ending up in the Silicon Valley is mind-boggling to me. She is a woman who uses her smartphone and iPad to take pictures on her business trip...of flowers ("This is outside of Madison Square Garden!"). My dad is an electrical engineer who has served in the church pretty much his whole life. He was always our steady rock of cheer and wisdom, even when I backed the car out of the driveway and smashed a side mirror, even when my brother totaled his first car (we're Asian drivers), even when I told him I was going to move to New York and work in minor league baseball. I can never catch my parents on the phone because they are always in a prayer meeting, or visiting someone from the church in the hospital, or serving someone in some capacity. Our parents have shown tremendous and unconditional love to all of us over the years, and it's not like we were awesome and easy-going kids. There must have been plenty of junctures in the road when they considered disowning us or giving us away to the Korean family down the street, and yet they are still here, willing to pick us up from the airport. They have not had an easy time of marriage and family-raising,  and yet they have always chosen us as a family over any life they may have imagined for themselves.

Both sets of parents. Guess which ones are mine, and which ones are M's!

M's parents also spent some time in Germany living on a military base, as well as experienced moves from Florida to Atlanta. Like my parents, they had to adjust to new environments and learn the ropes as they went. When I first met M's family, I was immediately struck by how loving and respectful everyone in his family is. Everyone is soft-spoken and laughs a lot, and even the smallest grandchild, who is two, has better etiquette than some people I've met. One gets the feeling, this is just how things are in their household. It is also incredible to me that M's mother is able to juggle a dozen house guests, clean sheets, rides, mealtimes with endless permutations of casseroles, gift buying and wrapping, and entertainment during the holidays, all without the help of a smartphone app (or a clueless new daughter-in-law). M's dad, as my husband tells me, held a lifelong career as an executive with Coca Cola, and it had its share of headaches. I doubt he afforded himself the luxuries of Generation X/Y'ers' complaining ways, constantly asking himself, "But is this my passion? Am I happy? Am I changing the world?" (As for me, guilty as charged). He simply saw his growing family and shouldered the responsibility of supporting them, while M's mom was both a teacher and at home to raise M and his sister. I can see M in the way his parents treat each other: I've never heard a voice raised, and M's dad still opens the car door for his mom. They are also both very resourceful and will systematically go over their options, choose the best path, and figure out a way to take care of everyone - their family, their neighbors, their church daycare, whoever. Now I know where M gets it from.

I know a lot of people who were raised in less "traditional" family structures, or whose family life was a lot less stable than it could have been. Thanks to our parents' decisions to support their families, we're aware that we've been spared a lot of heartache and hard life lessons. M and I are very new at being a married couple, and our biggest challenge so far was probably the day we couldn't agree on the layout of our new couch. We are grateful for this, but we owe our biggest gratitude for the day the hardships come, because we have in our parents a compass for which road to take.