We're having a boy! And other terrifying thoughts I have lately

Since I'm not one of those modest "Oh, let's protect our privacy" Facebook users, most of our friends and family know by now that M and I are expecting a baby in June, and that it's a boy(!) Which is exciting! But also, for me, terrifying (for M, it's a secret sigh of relief, plus a good excuse to start preordering Legos on Amazon Prime). We have yet to do practical things, like set up a nursery, or take birthing/ parenting classes. Most of my current preparation comprises reading all the books that my sisters-in-law on both sides have given me, plus every parenting blog that exists, before letting my mind spin into a vortex of anxiety-filled thoughts. I see it as a type of emotional rehearsal, to let my mind wander through different parenting scenarios.

Here are the kinds of thoughts that float through my mind as a preggo, because I'm horrifying:

-Little girls play quietly in the corner with dolls and crayons. Boys do things like throw rocks in the air and try to catch them with their face. M and I have no training on how to prevent this from happening.

-At least on the upside, I don't have to worry about our firstborn posting a YouTube video of himself, with the title "Am I ugly?", as I hear that is one of the things insecure teenage girls have learned to do with the internet. Thanks, CNN, for the updates.

-I really hope our kid isn't bullied. If he is, we're enrolling him in Krav Maga classes. And then we're going to encourage him to join a (very geeky, academic) gang that helps protect other victims through hacking code and reverse social -media bullying. Or something.

-I really hope our kid isn't a bully. If he is, he's going to be spending his Saturdays putting together care packages for underprivileged families and learning real life lessons of compassion. Until he's eighteen.

-How long can I dress my kid like one of those hipster babies on Pinterest before he cuts me off from any decision-making for his wardrobe?

-I hope our son doesn't inherit my driving genes. (Asian + female = good luck everyone!)

-If our baby looks way more like M than like me, everyone is going to think I'm the nanny. I better get the Encinitas Mom Uniform -- a chevron-patterned maxi dress and/ or extra expensive Lululemon yoga pants, so they know that I'm the rightful owner of this kid.

-I hope our son doesn't inherit my temperament of spoiled bratty-ness and general ingratitude. Note to self: apologize to Mom and Dad for the last thirty-plus years.

-I hope that colleges and universities don't look the same 18 years from now. I hope we're enrolling our kids in think tanks and incubators, and that they do summer code camps and tech apprenticeships by the time they're young adults. I don't want my kids to graduate from college like me -the winning combination of a moron with no practical skills, but a completely intact sense of entitlement.

-No more watching birthing videos before dinner.

So, those are my thoughts lately. I think focusing on the abstract future helps keep me from more real, sobering, and emotionally-crippling thoughts about the things that can go wrong during pregnancy and birth. M and I spend a lot of time in prayer lately for our friends' and families' babies as well as for the health and well-being of our own. We've discussed parenting styles, and schedules, and the state of fatigue we'll probably be in. And we know we'll never feel prepared, but by the time this baby is born, I'll at least have THOUGHT of everything. Wish us luck!

P.S. I am now double this size. 

One Year of Marriage, and the Advice from Our Wedding

M and I have been married for one year. Lots of stuff has happened (real estate transactions, job changes, pregnancy, you know how it is with the first year of marriage), because we are delusional about our capacity for handling stress. Luckily, at our wedding, in lieu of toasts and speeches, we asked guests to give us much-needed marital advice to be read aloud from index cards, and it has really helped to resonate throughout our first year. I thought many of the cards could be helpful to others. And the rest were just fun for me to share publicly. Enjoy!:

Photo by Lauren Alisse Photography

Don't forget to continue going on dates! - John (M's happily married friend from Atlanta. Please stay warm out there.)

M, Never stop dating your wife. Surprise her & pay attention to detail. Don't wait for her to ask, beat her to it. - Adam (the pastor who married us) & Jamie (his very smart wife)  

Joyce, Don't expect M to read your mind, tell him what you are thinking, how you feel and what you like. Don't get mad if he doesn't know...he won't know :) It's your job to communicate - Adam & Jamie 

M loves scented oils. - Anonymous

M - Always take surf trips with the boys. Joyce - Always plan girls' nights out with your ladies! 1) It gives you time to miss each other. 2) Your friends love you too and want to indulge in your friendships! - Jen (Also, Jen, we need to go night snowboarding again, as soon as I'm not pregnant anymore)

M, I'm getting married in 7 months. So, can I get a copy of what you said about Joyce during the ceremony? I'll use my own words. Thanks! - Jason (M's longtime friend, whose now-wife planned the most Pinterest-worthy wedding I've ever attended. Their wedding invitation was a hollowed-out BOOK.)

Hi Joyce & M, Congratulations! When you come to Atlanta, leave your Monopoly Deal cards at home and take on your old man (M's) in EUCHRE. Warning - he cheats! Enjoy Hawaii! - Bill (long-time family friend)

Say I love you as much as you can. - Whitney (sound and easy-to-follow advice from a wise girlfriend)

M & Joyce, Always compromise out of respect and love, and remember, you will get out of your relationship what you put into it. Enjoy your life together. - Paul (long-time family friend)

Argue naked. - Many, many people (Should have followed this advice. All this time, I've been trying to get my way while wearing sweats, like a FOOL.)

Happy wife = happy life. - Anonymous

Joyce, Be careful when you talk to M in the morning OR when he's at the computer OR when he's watching TV. Trust me. Love you guys! - Mark (former roommate)

Hire a house cleaner! - Anonymous

M, Place your hand upon Joyce's....(pause)....shoulder. Let this be the last time you have the upper hand. - Jason (see above)

M & Joyce, Don't stop believing. - Journey  
P.S. Hold onto that feeling.

Every year on Aunt Joyce's birthday, Uncle M should make her breakfast in bed - Kailyn (M's niece)

They should go on dates. - Jordan (M's other niece)

Having lived with Joyce for 4 years, my advice to M is:

1) Start loving professional and college sports (Go Bears!)
2) Start (or continue) loving country music television
3) Keep lots of snacks at home 

- Anita (my college roommate. 2 out of those 3 things are still true.)

M, Remember that it is better to be happy than to be right - Ed (M's former boss, who is known for always being right.)

M & Joyce, remember JESUS. - Jim (M's physical therapist and fellow brother in Christ. His one-word piece of advice has been amazingly effective and time-saving for us, just FYI.)

Clothing is optional - Metz (wise friend)

M- Joyce is always right (seriously). - Jenn (even wiser friend)

For Joyce: Be selective about the things you nag him about.
For M: Joyce likes pickles (but you probably knew that). - Esther and Tarek (Esther is a friend since childhood who knows me well)

Remember what it was that made you fall in love with the other person whenever you get really mad at him/ her :) - Tim & Anna (cousin)

To M: Spend a Saturday at a coffee shop writing & attending open houses with Joyce - Holly (my dependable partner for attending open houses of real estate we will never be able to afford. This is what we do for fun.)

In marriage, differences are not a bug, they're a feature. Enjoy one another, and the new things the other can show you. Go Padres! - Caroline (in-house counsel for the Padres) and Adam (fellow software developer)

Joyce: I don't care if you're in labor. If it's overhead, let M go surfing.
M: If Joyce is in labor, don't go surfing. - Steve (my old co-worker at Outsource and fellow obsessed surfer. If M follows any advice, I hope it is this one. The End.)